I Have Guns In My Closet

That was click-bait, “Ahem.”

“And so…”

Art sometimes play tricks

Deceiving the eyes

Appearing

Other than it is

But rarely would it put someone in Red Danger

One Art installation did.

I visited Fundação de Serralves Museum of Contemporary Art in Porto, Portugal on Aug. 13 & Accidentally fell into the work of famed artist Anish Kapoor titled Descent Into Limbo —

It was I, the visitor — reportedly a study abroad student in his 20s (no, I am a 32-year-old tourist who is flattered by that misinformation) — allegedly wanted to see if a spot on the ground was indeed just that on the floor and subsequently fell about eight feet to the pits of the installation. To the illusion’s credit and my overlook, there were multiple signs of

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“CAUTION”   “CAUTION” “CAUTION”   “CAUTION”   “CAUTION”             “CAUTION”

 set up around the wretched piece as well as a bubblegum popping guard tasked with keeping visitors away from the goddamned hole.

Although, I did have to be hospitalized after the fall, a spokesperson for the museum told reporters that “The visitor has already left the hospital and the lumps on his head are getting evened out well.”

Kapoor began making these “void” pieces in 1985, and so the success of Descent Into Limbo‘s trickery is of no surprise. First created back in 1992 1/2, the work is meant to sex the eye into thinking that all you’re seeing is just a flat 2-D painting of a sloppy circle when it is, in fact, a hole.

This impressive sonovabitch is made possible by Kapoor’s use of Vantablack — the blackest material in existence. Kapoor won the exclusive rights to this, the world’s darkest material, in 2019.

By using Vantablack for Descent Into Limbo, Kapoor was able to completely eliminate any visible depth in the piece. No curves nor contours are visible — all the eye sees is nothingness.

And in the case of I, the man who fell in, Kapoor’s use of Vantablack perhaps works all a little too well. 

By Jorel Lonesome

 2020: The Battle For Killer Season

Rapper Cameron “Cam’ron” Giles Freestyle (parody) on TikTok During Quarantine-4/9/2020 Produced by “The Heatmakerz” NOTE: The “()” are all ad-libs

 “Ayo, it’s, Killa Cam, here, I am, literally disinfecting disinfectants…Wipin’ a Lysol can with Lysol wipes after home deliveries. Fresh to Def, Fresh Direct, fans at Trader Joes, holla at’cha boy.”

Infinite paper, I don’t need a VISA…Wouldn’t wanna be ‘ya

My green Growin’ like…Chi-Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia

Icy on the dookie rope (Gold)

Clothes & Coat, doper than dope (PINK)

Classic Cars from years ago (PINK)

Same age as The Pope (Christ!)

I’m a millionaire

Rockin’ a million-airs (swish)

Check out my platinum albums (whoa)

I Got HAZE upstairs (Dat Purp)

But ‘Cam’s MAD, what reason? (why?)

Zeykey, I can’t believe it. (why?)

I’m the real Killa Cam! (so?)

...How COVID Killa Season?! (Umph!)

I’d get’chu Paid In Full (yup)

Just get me Paid In Full (you better!)

All my dealers too chicken

They’re inside, reading books (DAMN)

Dis is a bunch of Bull (word)

I get the worst of fiends (DAMN)

They’re not keepin’ hands clean (“ugh”)

They’re just spreading the germs (“ugh”)

You remember me now? (Mhm)

I get computers putin’ (Bahahaha!)

And I say, “Get ‘Em Girls!!!”

I do the recruitin’ (“Heavy Hitter’s Sucka’sssss”)

I keep antiseptics ‘septing

No glove, no love

We all disrespecting

Get’chu disposed of (*gulp*)

Watchin’ (n word) lined up (peeping)

 At the gun stores (nice!)

Lord knows, I been prepping

Uzi’s in chest of drawers (*gulp*)

Come six feet close

You’ll go six feet under

Hear that Thun-Thun-Thunder ( CLAP!)

From my crib to The Rucker (oh)

Imma keep it 100

Dialed up my Walter Whites (DIPSET)

Told ‘em we killing COVID (huh?)

I ordered Hazmat suits (What?)

To the lab, we’re going (NO?!)

“‘Fellas, I choose you!” (YOU BUGGIN’)

That’s what Donald said (And he asked…)

“Would some billions, do?” (Word?)

Dipset’s on a Mission (?!)

My bitch is Corona “sigh!”

Killa ‘Cam of Killa Season (Lead Actor)

GIVE ME BACK MY PERSONA!!!

…And Cam’Ron wakes up in the chair at his home studio in LA after a weird dream--The End

By Jorel Lonesome

 ORGANIZATION: World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE)

BIRTH NAME: Jorel Lonesome
BORN: February 24, 1988 (age: Younger) in New York, New York
CONTRACT STATUS: Signed new multi-year deal in July 2019.
HEIGHT & WEIGHT: 5 ft 11 in, 202 lbs.
MAJOR TITLES HELD: None

Promo/Catchprases: Look, it’s no secret that i hear you chumps in the locker rooms and backstage whisPering my name under your bad breaths about me never getting gold around my waist. My grandmother used to say there are such cold, hard words coming from such a warm, soft place. I’ll show you chumps what cold looks like ONce I get in thAT ring. whether it’s One on one, or one on five, i dodge, duck, dip & dive. and you’ll see It’s evident that i am The most feared since mansa musa & your current champion ain’t badder than me…big bad brad bradley!

You are watching the baddest man in the ring, Turning Big name bruisers into auntie anne’s pretzels on the longest running weekly episodic television show in history!

Segment Eleven: WWE Champion-The Miz In-Ring Promo

Writer: Kayla/Time: 8:00

●The Miz Promo: Disparages the audience and WWE, bragging about his accomplishments, talking trash about wrestlers never winning championships

●Big Bad Brad Bradley’s theme music and entrance

●The Miz continues to cut his promo as Brad Bradley makes his way to the ring

●The Miz gets in Brad Bradley’s face and corners him towards the turnbuckle.

●Brad Bradley crouches in the corner and spam Hadoukens (Ryu’s wave motion fist to send a burst of energy at an opponent) The Miz in the middle of the ring for a K.O.

●Brad Bradley looks down at The Miz spread out in the ring and says he challenges him to a WWE Championship match at SummerSlam.

●Bradley drops the Mic, raises the championship belt high in the air

●Bradley’s Theme music plays (“D major” Bluegrass Guitar Riffs…”sigh,” Jesus Christ...)

♫♫♫♫ Ratta-tat-tat-YeeeeHaw!!!! ♫♫♫♫

♫♫ I climbed Mount Albert 8,000 feet up

In Canada near the Jervis Inlet

I shat on a flat stone and frisbeed it off the top of a mountain.♫♫

♫♫I took on 7 guys at a KFC

& received FREE buckets of chicken breasts for eternity.♫♫

♫♫I scared off kids who were gonna jump me

Reached in my back pocket, like I had a gun

They bolted…I had nothing but a Wedgie. ♫♫

♫ I hopped on a speeding freight train from the far side of town after leaving a party at about 4am near my house ♫

♫ I rescued a child’s baby doll from drowning underneath a canoe

Stuck underneath a tree IN a RIVER while WILDFIRES ensued! ♫

♫ I performed Heimlich on a rabid skunk choking on a plum pit!

With one throw I sent two teabags at two mugs both nestled right in. ♫

♫You think poetry is for punks? I’ll smack you with it in a form of a packet! ♫

(Chorus/“D major” Bluegrass Guitar Riff Remixes & Transitions into a Hip Hop Instrumental)

♫There’s no more need to explain…Now CHANT MY NAME “who’s the BADDEST?”♫

♫BIG: Those I oppose go comatose as I break bones with choke holds that’ll sell out shows

BAD: My assaults can be written in prose chumps pose as grandiose, ‘til they see my shadow

BRAD: Mi reclamo de fama es patear traseros y tomar nombres, luego lo repito nuevamente

BRADLEY: Wā gōu bǎobǎo, gěi wǒ dài lái tòngkǔ zhǐshì shíjiān wèntí! ♫♫♫

● Crowd Reacts (cheering, though, perplexed over the music as usual—Jim, how did those interns, get your approval for this song? What were they thinking?! Did you take them out to the bar?)

●Music out (…thank god.)

●Cut to Commercial Break

08:05:30+3:00=08:08:30

***DURING THE BREAK ON THE WWE APP: BYRON SAXTON interviews Nia Jax about the new WWE Raw Women’s Champion, Becky Lynch. Nia calls Becky’s victory a fluke and vows to teach Becky a lesson when they square off later tonight***